So there you are, you are 35 and you find yourself at a dive bar doing jello shots off of your BFF Kristi’s tummy ( which is still quite toned after attending the gym for weeks hoping to catch Trainer Tony’s attention which is in fact happily married with 3 kids and a retirement plan underway but she thought she could change his mind because she was so “cute” and that is that way it works,right ) wondering why you have no one at your families holiday dinner and no prospects of that happening any time soon.
Dive Bar Danielle, as I will call her, once met a man who she thought she had so much in common with. Instantly she envisioned a future together. The three car garage, the twins and the adopted one from China, the house fully furnished with eclectic paintings found after touring the world together, and the dog they rescued from a local animal shelter that would become the guardian over their children. The dogs name would have been Bo. With a blue collar because if offset his Australian Shepard blue eyes. All of this happened within a matter of .5 seconds due to the fact they had similar musical interests, read many of the same books, and both had the same “omg I love that band!” reaction when the song came on the juke box at the hole in the wall restaurant down town. All basis’s for an effective relationship, I know. DBD ( not to be confused with DMB - dave matthews band) pulled out all of the cards she thought, she readily made herself available to be the “cute fun girl”, because surely that would capture his attention; she played the charade, sang the songs, danced the dance, and thought that surely this was “the one” because he was so “interested in her”, never once thinking it was merely infatuation on his part. She played what I like to call the “dumb girl facade”. It worked, seemingly and effectively, for about 3 days,until she then decided one day it wasn’t working anymore and decided that maybe she stop playing the miserable narcissistic game of “dumb girl facade”. DBD began to tell stories from her child hood, her knowledge of world religions, and physics, thinking that is what everyone wanted, right? Someone smart, someone who had empathy, someone nurturing and caring, who wouldn’t want that,really? Instantly she began to notice that mister perfect wasn’t so perfect after all seeing as that he began to pull away once he acknowledged that Dive Bar Danielle, was in fact, Danielle, a woman who grew up in suburbia wanting love and to be loved; the dream she created when she was 5 watching fairy tale movies wanting to find “mister right”. The issue was that she had spent her time investing in “mister right now” stroking his delicate ego not daring to tempt him in fear he would no longer show her his affections; never once thinking of the consequences of how this may in fact turn out. She wanted the ‘now’ because it seemed attainable. She wanted the ‘now’ because it was ‘easier’ than to show who she truly was, being someone born with the innate ability to be nurturing and caring who simply wanted to trust with her heart. She wanted the ‘now’ because it seemed to be the perfect escape route from any true commitment. She found it easier to tell herself “oh, this? this isn’t anything, we are just hanging out, nothing serious.” WHEN in the back of her head, she envisioned how she wanted this to go, even though she knew it was a pipe dream unlikely to happen.She would then spend the next two weeks wondering what she “did wrong” or “why” Mister Right pulled away once he realized she was an opinionated lady with more to offer than a one night stand, or a corny joke that was shared over a cup of salsa.
While there are many women who would like to blame instances such as this on the previous ‘douchebags’ they have dated and their ‘man hating abilities’ or your distrust and anger issues ; there comes a time when you have to acknowledge patterns. You will eventually realize that not all guys are like this and that there are in fact, men out there, not a guy who likes you only because you are ‘cute’, a man. Someone will have a similar heart beat.There comes a time when you take off the blindfold and see reality for what it is. There comes a time when you have to stop blaming everyone for the consequences of your own actions. Women playing the ” dumb girl facade” and often, is causing backlash of consequences daily .There is only so long you can play ‘naive’ to make a man ‘like’ you. Stop trying to make a man ‘like’ you and wait it out until you find a man who is worthy of LOVING you. In order to do this, you must first determine that you no longer want to be the “dumb pretty girl” seeking every ones attention. You have to realize you have self worth. Yes, you will feel like you are ” missing out” on someone every once in awhile and the temporary attention that you would be receiving, but is it worth it to lose someone who will care for you and truly be there for you? Is it not worth it to have someone who thinks you are beautiful despite your runny nose when you have a cold? You have to realize that you will no longer be the “fun one” for the night, but that you are worth being taken home to meet their mother for a lifetime . Being the girl who makes her sole basis off of being the “cute girl” will not make this happen. Don’t live your life being the one who someone can look back on and say “oh well that was fun… what I remember of it”; instead strive to be the one who he can create memories with. There comes a time when you have to make the commitment to not wanting to solely be the ” fun girl”; but rather the one someone can discuss their childhood with, fears, concerns, and dreams and future with. No matter how much a female says she “doesn’t want the commitment, nor the hassle” at the end of the day she wants someone to eat chicken wings with . Women are born with the innate ability to be nurturing, but if you stay within the confines of these patterns, you will eventually find out you are only nurturing mister right now’s addictions and desire for temporary fixation. As women, we have all experienced the mister right now’s at some point. Ya know, the ones who say all the right things, make you feel like you are special, even though you know it is a train wreck waiting to happen and you just signed off on the boarding pass, but you thought it would be worth the journey, ffw 5 mins, next train stop until the next unsuspecting victims collects a stamp from his boarding pass.
Personally, I am thankful to be in my 20’s, and to have experienced various forms of heart break and by the DBD’s of the world’s example ( and my own, at times). I have experienced the real deal; from the conception of thinking someone was your future and you couldn’t live without them, to at times wondering how you did live without them, to the separation of the relationship and waking up realizing you DID live without them, to dating someone for 2 mths because you liked the same things, to seeing someone smile at you at the grocery store because you had a “connection’ so you are then tempted to get online in the hopes of this person ‘magically’ showing up in your newsfeed of “people you may know” and then you skip off merrily into the sunset of perfect dreams and harmony. Face it, it’s not crazy talk, everyone has been there. We become caught up in pipe dreams rather than treasuring and embracing our realities. Our realities are messy. They are painful. They hurt. They make us say “that’s bullshit” on more than one account. BUT, the moment you learn to love and embrace yourself, all of you, the dark parts, the scary parts, the parts of yourself you tried to hide from 2 AM years ago, you will realize that life isn’t about finding someone to love, it is about ‘being love’. You will realize you don’t have to play dumb in order to win someone’s affection; doing so only results in a losing game. You will find someone loves your quirks and holes in your socks. You will realize that you are worth being looked at like the gift of creation that you are. You will realize you are tired of being a pawn kept in the pocket of someone else’s game. There will come a time when you will wake up and realize that who you are has been, will be, and is enough. There is no need to sacrifice yourself any longer. No longer. So to all the DBD’s of the world, don’t give up. Someone is out there who would love to sing 90’s pop songs with you, terribly and off key.
As far as sexes, this is interchangeable.
sometimes all that’s left to save your sanity is lock yourself in your room, lay in your underwear, read a good book, and listen to a whole hell of a lot of folk music